something BIG. Part One.

A few days ago, I vented in my blog about my something BIG.  I called it "little blog post" because to me, it was just a few scattered thoughts complaining about a physician who had crushed my spirit about my BIG.  She told me that I'd never run a marathon again, and I should give up on that dream.  When she told me that, I felt my heart physically ache.  I felt like I had gotten punched in the stomach.  And then I wanted to punch her in the stomach.  I left her office in tears, and jotted down my thoughts later that day.  Turns out my little blog post about my BIG wasn't so small....in fact, it became quite BIG.  4,142 readers BIG within the first few days.  Then God spoke to me....Amy, look at who you can reach.  You write your words and I'll make them BIG, He said.  It was like the story of the bread and fish.... God took such a small meal of loaves and fish and stretched it to feed the thousands.  All of a sudden it became clear to me that what I tell you about my BIG can really be made BIG once God gets ahold of it.  In fact, God took ahold of my BIG long before it was BIG.  He was there from the beginning, and to this very minute, He is taking care of me and allowing me to be a part of His miracle.  And I'm pretty damn lucky for that.  How can something so horrible and tragic be a miracle?  I know, I know.  Trust me, most days the last thing I'd call my BIG is a miracle.  Then again, I don't see things  as BIG as God does.  I'm going to tell you this story, my story, my BIG... and you decide.

Part 1.

Heaven wasn't what I thought it would look like.  I pictured a bright, bright white palace.  A palace made of gold and diamonds and precious stones more beautiful than we ever could imagine in our little people minds.  I imagined a HUGE GOD sitting on a throne....and I imagined tiny ol' me sitting in His hand.  That's my favorite image of God.  And when the pain in my legs is crushing and tears form in my eyes and my teeth clench, that's the image of God I picture.  You are holding me God, I tell him.  Take this pain away.  Please Lord, take this pain away.

What Heaven was...what I remember, or dream, is brilliant, bright, amazing colors.  What I remember, or dream, is walking towards those colors knowing Jesus is behind them.  What I remember, or dream, is being gently pushed away.  What I remember, or dream is a whisper....go back. It's not time yet. Open your eyes.  Open your eyes.  And I try to open my eyes, but I can't.  I try harder to open my eyes, and I think they're open and I'm awake, but then I realize that they aren't.  It's a battle....me trying to open my eyes, thinking they're open, then realizing they're not.  Getting closer to death and trying to open my eyes, trying SO hard to open my eyes.  I open my eyes.  It was just a dream.  Or was it?   Dr. M. asks about my dreams.  I tell him this dream that I have over and over.  He looks at me and tells me, Amy, those are flashbacks.  That was really happening to you.  You were dying.  You were dying for weeks.... you were fighting the strongest battle you've ever fought to stay alive.  So Amy, those dreams.... those are real.

I'm getting ahead of myself.  That was the most intense part of my BIG, but there's much more to the story.  If I'm going by memory, however, this part is first.  When I try to remember everything about my  BIG, the first thing I can remember looking back is this glimpse of Heaven.  In the general timeline of the BIG, I can't tell you when exactly it took place, but to me, it was the most important part....right?  The life or death part.

There's a lot that happened before that.  And a lot that happened after that.  But before I tell you those things, I thought I should tell you what I consider to be the BIGGEST part. What will come next is the BEFORE part of the BIG.  It's interesting and terrifying and sad and happy.  I'm going to take you on this journey because I want you to see how God carried me through this BIG....and He was there for the before part.  Are you ready?