Brutiful.

I have to share something with you.  Lately, I have found a new blog.  It's called Momastery.  People, I'm obsessed with this blog.  This women, Glennon, is the most beautiful writer I've ever read.  Her heart is bigger than anyone I know.  She FEELS things.  She FEELS things like me.  I've never related to someone so much in my life, and I don't even know this woman.

Anyways, lately I've been saying that I feel like things are harder for me than for other people.  I was born a little broken, maybe.  So I was reading her post from today and it hit me, and it all made sense.  here is a modified exerpt...

Some of us are born with an otherness that we feel right away . . . awareness of our otherness is often our first memory. We have this feeling that maybe we were dropped off in the wrong place, because nothing seems familiar. The people in this strange and harsh and  require us to play role after exhausting role. We are afraid of things that don’t seem to scare other people. Friendship, love, commitment . . . these things seem so big, so important, so murky and confusing and dangerous…how could we dare enter into them? We decide it would safer not to. We see that other people seem comfortable taking these risks, but we feel different. We feel more aware, and less capable. We rationalize that maybe others take all of these risks because they don’t foresee the pitfalls that we see. We decide, subconsciously or not, that we are different. And we are so full of this knowledge of our difference that we must find a way to relieve our fullness. We are like volcanoes with no exit for our hot lava.

OMG.  That is brilliant.   I remember as a little girl, thinking I was different.  I felt a certain awareness, even as a tiny blonde perfectionist.  I felt like I knew things about the world, about people, about myself....and I wondered- do other people feel this same awareness?  As I've gotten older, a little anxiety has crept in and there is a fear that comes with this awareness.  I now WORRY.  I worry about  others....loved ones and ones I don't know.  I worry about myself.  

I'm working on it.  J is so bothered by it that I have to work on it.  He hates to see me worry.  He hates to see me look at the world in all of its brokenness and only see dark, forgetting the light.  He accepts me for who I am, but I know it bothers him to see me worry so much.  And God doesn't want me to worry so much.  Sometimes I think I take the verse "break my heart for what breaks yours" too literally.  After all, He also told us, "Be anxious about nothing..." 

Just had to share that today.