I still couldn't believe I was going back to the hospital, back to the IV, back to the labs and the anesthesia, and the stitches, and pain and recovery.
The tears in my knee needed to be fixed, regardless of whether they were 100% from the car accident, from the falls, from the past surgeries, or from the massive toll my knee had taken over the last decade as a marathoner. There was a large amount of arthritis in the knee, torn and fraying meniscus and cartilage, loose bodies of tissue, and stiff scar tissue. Also, I still was unable to bend my knee to a normal range, which would be 130-140 degrees. The farthest I could bend was around 108, and that was with painful force from the PT.
The morning of surgery was pretty darn emotional for Jon and me. It didn't feel good going back to that hospital, signing consents, meeting with anesthesia, talking about risks of surgery. I just couldn't get it out of my head that something could go wrong.
I had gotten through septic shock, multi-system organ failure, breathing by a respirator for a month, six surgeries, months and months of painful recovery, losing my hair, losing my body to horrible scarring.....
But what if it was all for nothing? What if I had some sort of freak reaction to the anesthesia and I coded on the table?
It helped to pray with my parents that morning. Eventually I started to realize that God's plan was etched out long before that day. It was etched out long before I had necrotizing fasciitis. All I could do at that point was pray for comfort and trust that He has the best laid plans.
Surgery went well. I did have an issue with pain in the recovery room- the first anesthesiologist hadn't wanted to do a nerve block on my leg, and instead just put me under general. She was afraid to put the epidural needle through the scar that covers my right hip. So basically, my pain was about a million times worse post-op than a normal knee surgery patient whose leg is blocked for the first 24 hours, blocking the pain completely. I felt everything. It was an absolute nightmare. It took me back to the skin graft surgery (The Closer), and I laid there still, tears running down my face and wishing my mom was there to put her hands over me and pray again, like she'd done during the Closer surgery.
Finally, another anesthesiologist came on shift and it happened to be one of the ones I work closely with in L&D. He's an awesome doctor, and was so happy to see me, after being worried about me for almost a year since I'd gotten sick. "We're doing the damn nerve block," he said. "And give her whatever else she needs for pain. This is one of our own here." He did the nerve block right there in recovery, right through the scar, and it worked perfectly. It was like having an epidural or spinal block in your leg....my leg was numb and I couldn't feel anything, namely, pain. It was the first time in 10 months that I didn't feel pain.... 10 whole months of being in pain ALL THE TIME--- and it was finally relieved. Thank you, God, I prayed.
Shortly after we got me more comfortable and my vitals stabilized, I got to go home. That night, I felt great-- because of the block, I couldn't feel pain at all. I was exhausted from all the drugs and anesthesia, and fell asleep immediately at home.
However, as nerve blocks do, the block started to wear off after about 18 hours--- and the pain was back....with a vengeance.
So there I was....in bed, leg sutured and wrapped, elevated. Pain medication and gatorade at my bedside. Wheelchair back in full use. it felt too familiar and like we had taken 10 steps back. I was depressed and hurting. I laid there feeling bad for myself for a few days until I'd had enough. I didn't make it this far to stop now. I work harder than anyone I know.... it was time to continue my comeback.
And that's where I'm at today.
Comeback.
It's been 4 weeks since the last surgery. I'm killing myself in physical therapy and killing myself at the gym. My leg is doing better than ever. My ortho and PT are monitoring my workouts and every move I make is planned out strategically by them, to recover this knee, to maximize what little muscle is left in my leg, and to strengthen my body, back to normal....or as normal as we're gonna get it. I'm limp/running faster and longer each day. I'm still feeling a lot of pain and have a lot of swelling in my knee, but I'm pushing. And it's hard. It's really freaking hard. The pain I feel when I run and when I'm in therapy is strangely freeing. Every run that I get through, as my runs get longer and my speed becomes quicker and quicker, is healing to my heart. It makes my soul strong. I can do BIG things. BIG freaking things.
Next up, besides my continued healing and recovery-- reconstructive surgeries. Time to fix what's broken... my scarring and my heart. Looking at these scars everyday breaks my heart a little, to be totally honest. Pray that we'll know when the time is right.... pray that we'll figure out the best way to finance it. Pray that my doctors are able to fix enough scarring so that I feel beautiful again, and free from the hurt.
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