Brutiful.

I have to share something with you.  Lately, I have found a new blog.  It's called Momastery.  People, I'm obsessed with this blog.  This women, Glennon, is the most beautiful writer I've ever read.  Her heart is bigger than anyone I know.  She FEELS things.  She FEELS things like me.  I've never related to someone so much in my life, and I don't even know this woman.

Anyways, lately I've been saying that I feel like things are harder for me than for other people.  I was born a little broken, maybe.  So I was reading her post from today and it hit me, and it all made sense.  here is a modified exerpt...

Some of us are born with an otherness that we feel right away . . . awareness of our otherness is often our first memory. We have this feeling that maybe we were dropped off in the wrong place, because nothing seems familiar. The people in this strange and harsh and  require us to play role after exhausting role. We are afraid of things that don’t seem to scare other people. Friendship, love, commitment . . . these things seem so big, so important, so murky and confusing and dangerous…how could we dare enter into them? We decide it would safer not to. We see that other people seem comfortable taking these risks, but we feel different. We feel more aware, and less capable. We rationalize that maybe others take all of these risks because they don’t foresee the pitfalls that we see. We decide, subconsciously or not, that we are different. And we are so full of this knowledge of our difference that we must find a way to relieve our fullness. We are like volcanoes with no exit for our hot lava.

OMG.  That is brilliant.   I remember as a little girl, thinking I was different.  I felt a certain awareness, even as a tiny blonde perfectionist.  I felt like I knew things about the world, about people, about myself....and I wondered- do other people feel this same awareness?  As I've gotten older, a little anxiety has crept in and there is a fear that comes with this awareness.  I now WORRY.  I worry about  others....loved ones and ones I don't know.  I worry about myself.  

I'm working on it.  J is so bothered by it that I have to work on it.  He hates to see me worry.  He hates to see me look at the world in all of its brokenness and only see dark, forgetting the light.  He accepts me for who I am, but I know it bothers him to see me worry so much.  And God doesn't want me to worry so much.  Sometimes I think I take the verse "break my heart for what breaks yours" too literally.  After all, He also told us, "Be anxious about nothing..." 

Just had to share that today.

29.

I turned 29 yesterday.

Next year, I'll be 30.  That's insane.  Ew.

Needless to say, it wasn't THAT happy of a birthday.  I finally understand what people meant when they said birthdays aren't fun anymore when you're old.  I'm old.  I may or may not have scanned my entire head for gray hairs yesterday.  (Thank you, Jesus, I did not find any).  I would've totally lost it if I had.

I don't like getting old... and honestly, it's not really the vanity.  I feel my body getting older.  When I do a double digit run, I feel more sore the next day than I used to.  My back bothers me most days.  It's harder to get my body out of bed in the morning.  Granted, I should be happy I can still do double digit runs.  My back pain has never bothered me enough to have to take meds....and I HAVE a bed.  I'm pretty damn lucky.  But still...

I feel like I'm a little behind the 8-ball.  I'm 29 and not married yet (...8 more months!)  I'm not preggo.  I don't have little ones running around.  I don't yet own a house.

Lucky for me, my fiancé is amazing.  He puts everything into perspective.  Who cares that we aren't the youngest out of our friends to get married, he says... we'll have a better marriage (not better than them, just better for us) because we waited until it was right for US.  We got to enjoy our twenties without much responsibility.  We're happy.... Amy, you're more beautiful now than you were 5 years ago.  We can still have a bunch of little ones....heck, we'll start on our honeymoon if you want.

 He really is wonderful.

So, I'll stop my whining and embrace my 29th year.  It's likely going to be the biggest year of my life, so I'm going to try to enjoy every minute of it.  I'm going to have a beautiful wedding to the love of my life.  I'm going to get to see my little adopted girl Dashi grow a year older, start preschool, and drink clean water.  I'm going to travel to Hawaii, Virginia, Houston, and California.  I'm going to run more miles this year than I ever have before.  And next year, when I'm celebrating #30, I might be celebrating with a third little Nilles in tow.  (you never know :) )

Happy 29th to me.  It's going to be a brutiful year.

Monkees...

Monkees---

Is planning a wedding this hard for everyone?

Sometimes I think I was born a little broken....just to be brutally honest with ya'll.  Everything just seems HARDER for me... I stress, I worry, I stress some more.  i'm a perfectionist of the worst kind.  This does not bode well for a little girl planning a wedding.  Every piece of this thing just seems SO HARD.

And trust me, I know, there are monkees out there with worse problems.  My close friend is 8.5 months pregnant, trying to fix up a new house, and trying to take care of her sick mom through months and months of hospitalizations, heart surgeries, amputation, rehab, more surgery, potential heart transplant, repeat.  Her mom will likely have to move in with her and her husband and their brand new baby so that she can take care of her mom and her newborn at the same time....and work full time....night shift. And I feel like I complain a lot more than she does sometimes.  Why is is SO HARD for me sometimes?

I worry that it won't be perfect.  I worry that I won't find a dress I love.  I worry that we won't be able to pay for it all.  I worry....etc.  One thing I don't worry about is who I'm marrying.  Lucky for me, that is the easiest part.  I'm smitten with my fiancé and he does everything he can to make it better.  He always tells me.... Tell me what I can do to make it easier... I'll take care of it...stop worrying.   One night amidst a breakdown he made me repeat over and over again...."life is too short.  God made me this way..."  over and over again until I was calm.  then we took a lipstick and I wrote it on my standing mirror so I can look at it everyday.

It's not just the wedding.... I worry about much more than that.  I worry about my friends who are hurting.... I worry about my adopted little girl Dashi in Sri Lanka and what she's going through and who might be hurting her.  I worry that I may have problems having my own little girl someday.

When it gets really rough, God always seems to send me a message to calm me down. This morning, I was driving home from a night at work (unscheduled, I was just there to help the girls since it was crazy-busy and I ended up staying all night....after not sleep-preparing for it, I was DEAD at the end of the shift--- I digress).... anyways, I started worrying that we won't find a church in time to have our wedding (Willow doesn't do weddings on Sundays so we're looking for plan B).  Just then, my mom texted me....7:45 in the morning.... "How are you doing today! Be anxious about nothing.  But in everything with thanksgiving give your requests to the Lord."  Thank you Mama.  thank you Jesus.

And I drove home in peace.