I may or may not have had a major panic attack when the medics extracted me from my wrecked car and strapped me into the ambulance. I had been rear-ended while I was sitting at a red light by a car going full speed. He hit me with such force that I hit my head and had a concussion, had whiplash, and worst, my bad leg was crushed between the dashboard and seat, causing excruciating pain in my right leg and knee. The pain was just as bad as my skin graft surgeries in December. Being in the ambulance alone was giving me a big old case of PTSD. I shook and cried all the way to the hospital.
Freaked by all of my scars and history, the staff immediately x-rayed my entire body and CT scanned my head and neck. No bones were broken, but after an MRI, they found several issues in my knee, including several meniscal tears that would require surgery. The pain was intense, and the hospital kept me overnight to help manage it. It was my first hospitalization since being sent home from Loyola in January, and I was scared and shaky the entire time.
Later in the afternoon, the PT came in to see if we could get me up walking on my crushed (operated on) leg. I tried to stand up, and immediately collapsed. Angrily, I tried again. Mind over matter, Amy, Mind over matter. Tried to stand up again.......nope. Knee gave out immediately and I fell. At that point, I completely lost it. I started sobbing. I felt like everything I've worked so hard for in the last 9 months was completely ruined. I couldn't fathom being at the point of using the walker everywhere, using a wheelchair, and constant, grueling pain. Jon grabbed me, put me in his lap and just held me and let me cry. It was what I needed at that moment, and my wonderful hubby knows how to calm me down. (After all, he was able to keep me sane after I lost my hair....let's not forget THAT horror).
The hospital kept me over night for pain control and to regain some of my ADLs, and I was discharged in the morning. The next surgery-- surgery #7 was scheduled for the next week.
The moral of the story today? Don't freakin text and drive. You might hit a girl with nec fasc and total her car and smash her bad leg and cause her to have a 7th surgery on her tiny right leg. Boom.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
BIG. #17
God never gives you more than you can handle.
That's something I have to keep telling myself every single day.
Last post, I was telling you how I lost my hair, and then how I handled it. At that time, that was the highest and most painful hurtle I had to jump over. Looking back, it still is.
But it isn't over.
Since that time, I've continued physical therapy (3x a week) plus I spent the other four days a week in the gym, doing my own exercises, walking on the treadmill, and doing everything I can to get back. My heart hurts not being able to run. I've gotten stronger, but I still feel pain daily, some days worse than others. I still have a lot of weakness in the leg, as most of the muscle in my right quad has been removed along with all of the fascia. I haven't regained full range of motion in my knee. It only bends partially, which is a big reason I'm not able to walk normally or be on my feet for long periods of time.
Right after my wedding, a new problem arose in my recovery. I started falling.
It started on our honeymoon. We were in the Kauai Airport in Hawaii and I was walking across the street where the buses and taxis pass for arrivals and departures. In front of probably 1000 people, all of a sudden, I completely licked it and fell HARD in the middle of the street. My purse and carry-on went flying, I scraped up my arm and leg, and I was in PAIN. Tears poured down my face in pain, humiliation, and fear. I was afraid I had broken something. Jon, who was dragging all of our other suitcases, came running over and picked me up off the ground. I hobbled over to the sidewalk, dusted myself off, and fought back tears. I was scraped up pretty bad, but nothing was broken. It was a strange fall. I couldn't tell if my leg had given out, or if I slipped, or just took a bad step. It was painful, but not the worst thing in the world.
Over the next month or so, the falls became more frequent and more severe. They happened so fast that I couldn't tell what exactly was happening and why I was falling. Each fall was a setback...I'd be in severe pain for a day or two and then be unable to go to PT and have to increase my pain medication. Then, I'd get better, do fine for a few days, have a fall, and the process would revert back to the beginning. My doctors were starting to get really concerned. I have such a tiny amount of muscle left in my right quad and virtually no fascia to support and protect it, so any of these falls could easily result in a broken femur, which would be almost impossible to ever heal without muscle. We tried a brace, we tried decreasing my physical therapy, we tried just having me walk slower and more aware. Nothing helped. Slowly, the walker was introduced back into my life, which sucked, as I thought I had rid myself of it forever before the wedding. But my doctors insisted that I needed some mechanical support to grab onto when I started going down.
About a month and a half ago, Dr. G was maneuvering my knee in the office and having me do some exercises and realized just how little progress my knee has made in terms of range of motion. "Well Ames," he said, "I'm convinced now there is something going on with this knee. I think this is why you're falling, why you're not walking right, why you're still in pain, and why we've plateaued." He referred me to a Sports Orthopedic doctor to look at my knee, the muscle in my quad, and what the heck was going on in there.
A week later, I was at the appointment, and they xray'ed my hip, quad, and knee. Besides there being almost no muscle in my right quad, there was nothing broken at the time. There was quite a bit of scar tissue and arthritic changes in the knee and the little muscle left in the quad had adhered itself to the bones in the knee. He ordered an MRI.
After the appointment, I headed over to physical therapy. They started using an electroshock machine to stimulate the muscle in the leg which hurt like hell. Other than that, it was a normal day in PT. On my drive home, I was sitting at a red light when all of a sudden, a car going full speed slammed into the back of my car, smushing the back end of my car into the front like an accordion and crushing my bad leg into the dashboard. I also hit my head and had whiplash. Before I knew it, I was in the back of an ambulance on the way to the ER. Another hospitalization. I was terrified.
That's something I have to keep telling myself every single day.
Last post, I was telling you how I lost my hair, and then how I handled it. At that time, that was the highest and most painful hurtle I had to jump over. Looking back, it still is.
But it isn't over.
Since that time, I've continued physical therapy (3x a week) plus I spent the other four days a week in the gym, doing my own exercises, walking on the treadmill, and doing everything I can to get back. My heart hurts not being able to run. I've gotten stronger, but I still feel pain daily, some days worse than others. I still have a lot of weakness in the leg, as most of the muscle in my right quad has been removed along with all of the fascia. I haven't regained full range of motion in my knee. It only bends partially, which is a big reason I'm not able to walk normally or be on my feet for long periods of time.
Right after my wedding, a new problem arose in my recovery. I started falling.
It started on our honeymoon. We were in the Kauai Airport in Hawaii and I was walking across the street where the buses and taxis pass for arrivals and departures. In front of probably 1000 people, all of a sudden, I completely licked it and fell HARD in the middle of the street. My purse and carry-on went flying, I scraped up my arm and leg, and I was in PAIN. Tears poured down my face in pain, humiliation, and fear. I was afraid I had broken something. Jon, who was dragging all of our other suitcases, came running over and picked me up off the ground. I hobbled over to the sidewalk, dusted myself off, and fought back tears. I was scraped up pretty bad, but nothing was broken. It was a strange fall. I couldn't tell if my leg had given out, or if I slipped, or just took a bad step. It was painful, but not the worst thing in the world.
Over the next month or so, the falls became more frequent and more severe. They happened so fast that I couldn't tell what exactly was happening and why I was falling. Each fall was a setback...I'd be in severe pain for a day or two and then be unable to go to PT and have to increase my pain medication. Then, I'd get better, do fine for a few days, have a fall, and the process would revert back to the beginning. My doctors were starting to get really concerned. I have such a tiny amount of muscle left in my right quad and virtually no fascia to support and protect it, so any of these falls could easily result in a broken femur, which would be almost impossible to ever heal without muscle. We tried a brace, we tried decreasing my physical therapy, we tried just having me walk slower and more aware. Nothing helped. Slowly, the walker was introduced back into my life, which sucked, as I thought I had rid myself of it forever before the wedding. But my doctors insisted that I needed some mechanical support to grab onto when I started going down.
About a month and a half ago, Dr. G was maneuvering my knee in the office and having me do some exercises and realized just how little progress my knee has made in terms of range of motion. "Well Ames," he said, "I'm convinced now there is something going on with this knee. I think this is why you're falling, why you're not walking right, why you're still in pain, and why we've plateaued." He referred me to a Sports Orthopedic doctor to look at my knee, the muscle in my quad, and what the heck was going on in there.
A week later, I was at the appointment, and they xray'ed my hip, quad, and knee. Besides there being almost no muscle in my right quad, there was nothing broken at the time. There was quite a bit of scar tissue and arthritic changes in the knee and the little muscle left in the quad had adhered itself to the bones in the knee. He ordered an MRI.
After the appointment, I headed over to physical therapy. They started using an electroshock machine to stimulate the muscle in the leg which hurt like hell. Other than that, it was a normal day in PT. On my drive home, I was sitting at a red light when all of a sudden, a car going full speed slammed into the back of my car, smushing the back end of my car into the front like an accordion and crushing my bad leg into the dashboard. I also hit my head and had whiplash. Before I knew it, I was in the back of an ambulance on the way to the ER. Another hospitalization. I was terrified.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
BIG. Part 16.
After I had a wig on my head, it was time to fast track to the wedding. There was only a few months until the Big Day, and I had a ton of stuff left to do, after being sick and hospitalized and then handicapped at home for 4 months. Although I had a ton of doctors appointments and physical therapy all the time, the time away from work allowed me to get a lot of the little details done. I don't know how I would've ever planned that wedding without that time off of work. Before I got sick, between working full-time, extra shifts, and being on night shift, I was constantly either working, sleeping, or trying to sleep. That was one blessing of being on medical leave.
During those few months before the wedding, things were rough financially. Jon was doing amazing at work, THANK GOD, and was able to help me a lot, as well as pay for a lot of things we needed for the wedding. Jon got a HUGE promotion at work during the first few months of my recovery, which was, I believe, a gift from God. He giveth and he taketh away. Although I felt like so many things had been taken away, God was also giving me everything I needed to get through this tragedy. Although I had several million dollars in medical bills and a wedding to plan, I tried not to worry about money and how we would pay for things. I prayed that God would provide....and He did. He provided me with a fiancé who was now making good money and had been frugal for his whole life....so he had money saved to pay for wedding things, the honeymoon, and a lot of my bills. He paid for everything in cash, so that we wouldn't add any more financial stress to ourselves after we got married. God also provided me with parents that were able to support me financially with basically anything I needed, including my bills, rent, and paying for most of the wedding. He provided me with a dad, who as an attorney, was able to find us the one of the best worker's compensation lawyers in Chicago. He provided me with a mom who through the help of her sister, my Aunt Sue, was able to get my disability set-up, new insurance, and financial assistance from the hospital. Things I would've never been able to do on my own. God set it up so perfectly. Because if He brings you to it.....HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT. He really will. Like I've said before, you have to do your part. You have to work hard, do what is right and what you need to do (for me, it was working hard in physical therapy, keeping on top of all paperwork and phone calls for doctors and disability, and planning the wedding). But in hard times, in tragedies, if you do your part, and then pray for God to provide you with the means to get through it, He will GET YOU THROUGH IT.
I have found that the only way to get through a BIG, is to place your life in the hands of our BIG God.
I was working my butt off in physical therapy so that I could ditch the walker for the wedding. If you read my post about walking down the aisle in my wedding, you'll remember that for two weeks before the wedding, I refused to use the walker. I was falling all over the place and in a lot of pain, but my goal from the beginning was to be able to walk down the aisle on my wedding day. You'll read about my wedding next....
During those few months before the wedding, things were rough financially. Jon was doing amazing at work, THANK GOD, and was able to help me a lot, as well as pay for a lot of things we needed for the wedding. Jon got a HUGE promotion at work during the first few months of my recovery, which was, I believe, a gift from God. He giveth and he taketh away. Although I felt like so many things had been taken away, God was also giving me everything I needed to get through this tragedy. Although I had several million dollars in medical bills and a wedding to plan, I tried not to worry about money and how we would pay for things. I prayed that God would provide....and He did. He provided me with a fiancé who was now making good money and had been frugal for his whole life....so he had money saved to pay for wedding things, the honeymoon, and a lot of my bills. He paid for everything in cash, so that we wouldn't add any more financial stress to ourselves after we got married. God also provided me with parents that were able to support me financially with basically anything I needed, including my bills, rent, and paying for most of the wedding. He provided me with a dad, who as an attorney, was able to find us the one of the best worker's compensation lawyers in Chicago. He provided me with a mom who through the help of her sister, my Aunt Sue, was able to get my disability set-up, new insurance, and financial assistance from the hospital. Things I would've never been able to do on my own. God set it up so perfectly. Because if He brings you to it.....HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT. He really will. Like I've said before, you have to do your part. You have to work hard, do what is right and what you need to do (for me, it was working hard in physical therapy, keeping on top of all paperwork and phone calls for doctors and disability, and planning the wedding). But in hard times, in tragedies, if you do your part, and then pray for God to provide you with the means to get through it, He will GET YOU THROUGH IT.
I have found that the only way to get through a BIG, is to place your life in the hands of our BIG God.
I was working my butt off in physical therapy so that I could ditch the walker for the wedding. If you read my post about walking down the aisle in my wedding, you'll remember that for two weeks before the wedding, I refused to use the walker. I was falling all over the place and in a lot of pain, but my goal from the beginning was to be able to walk down the aisle on my wedding day. You'll read about my wedding next....
Saturday, August 10, 2013
BIG. Part 15.
It took me two weeks to finally get off the bathroom floor and start living again. I wouldn't talk to anyone, except Jon and my parents, and those phone calls were a mix of sobbing and praying together. My parents cried out to Jesus to help their little girl who hurt so bad she'd lost herself. My parents were extremely worried about me. My mom would send me pictures of different wigs and nothing looked right. I started getting angry and frustrated. I didn't freakin deserve this!! Why would God let ANOTHER bad thing happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?? Knowing that my wedding was four months away was sending me into a tailspin. I considered postponing it many times.
Each time I took a shower and lost more hair, I lost my mind. It was a tragic time in my life that I'll never forget. But if God leads you to it, He'll lead you through it.
There came a time when I couldn't leave the house, because I was too bald to go anywhere. That was the day I decided it was time to accept this defeat and do something about it.
My dad is the most amazing person I know. He takes my pain and makes it his....Just like Jesus does with all of us. My dad wouldn't rest until we had a solution that would make me feel better. He was willing to do whatever it took to help remedy this situation and heal my broken heart. After extensive research, he found a place in Chicago that does hair restoration. It was expensive, but it sounded like the best solution for what I had going on. I would be able to get a wig made from real hair, and they'd be able to match it exactly to what my hair color normally was. He told them, spare no expense, make her feel beautiful again.
The next day, I put my bravest face on and went to the appointment. They immediately found that the best solution would be a wig that could clip into the little amount of hair I still had left. They were wonderful with me.
When I finally got the wig, I could breathe again. I literally felt a hundred times stronger. I had a SOLUTION. It wasn't my own hair.... and I still shuttered knowing that I'd be wearing a wig on my wedding day....but I felt like myself again.
Looking back on it now, it still hurts. My hair is growing back, but I still have to wear the wig, and probably will for awhile. But now I can see the blessings that surrounded that dark time. God gave me parents who love me so much that they would do anything to help me. He blessed them so that they would be able to financially help me by paying for the wigs, which I would've never been able to afford on my own. He gave me a dad who would do anything to help me, and who did. Who loved me enough to spend his time researching hair restoration places until he found the perfect one. I am so unbelievably blessed.
Sometimes we have to go through these trials in life so that we are able to open our eyes BIGGER. To stop focusing on trivial things and to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. God wants us to see our blessings. And through this trial, I was able to see my blessings in a much BIGGER way. Hair or not, I lived. I have a family and husband who'd do anything for me and who'd love me anyway. And that, is a BIG deal.
Each time I took a shower and lost more hair, I lost my mind. It was a tragic time in my life that I'll never forget. But if God leads you to it, He'll lead you through it.
There came a time when I couldn't leave the house, because I was too bald to go anywhere. That was the day I decided it was time to accept this defeat and do something about it.
My dad is the most amazing person I know. He takes my pain and makes it his....Just like Jesus does with all of us. My dad wouldn't rest until we had a solution that would make me feel better. He was willing to do whatever it took to help remedy this situation and heal my broken heart. After extensive research, he found a place in Chicago that does hair restoration. It was expensive, but it sounded like the best solution for what I had going on. I would be able to get a wig made from real hair, and they'd be able to match it exactly to what my hair color normally was. He told them, spare no expense, make her feel beautiful again.
The next day, I put my bravest face on and went to the appointment. They immediately found that the best solution would be a wig that could clip into the little amount of hair I still had left. They were wonderful with me.
When I finally got the wig, I could breathe again. I literally felt a hundred times stronger. I had a SOLUTION. It wasn't my own hair.... and I still shuttered knowing that I'd be wearing a wig on my wedding day....but I felt like myself again.
me with my new 'do!
Looking back on it now, it still hurts. My hair is growing back, but I still have to wear the wig, and probably will for awhile. But now I can see the blessings that surrounded that dark time. God gave me parents who love me so much that they would do anything to help me. He blessed them so that they would be able to financially help me by paying for the wigs, which I would've never been able to afford on my own. He gave me a dad who would do anything to help me, and who did. Who loved me enough to spend his time researching hair restoration places until he found the perfect one. I am so unbelievably blessed.
Sometimes we have to go through these trials in life so that we are able to open our eyes BIGGER. To stop focusing on trivial things and to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. God wants us to see our blessings. And through this trial, I was able to see my blessings in a much BIGGER way. Hair or not, I lived. I have a family and husband who'd do anything for me and who'd love me anyway. And that, is a BIG deal.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Prayer works.
J had a huge deal go through at work today. HUGE. The deal of the year for him that would essentially make or break the year for him.
The client he was working with were tough to work with and looking like they wanted to change companies...before J had started working with them since his promotion. They were one foot out the door and he basically had to talk them into staying.
He was worried. And when he's worried, I'm worried. Because my husband doesn't ever worry too much about anything. Very even-keeled. The exact opposite of me, who worries about everything.
I told him we needed to pray about it. He asked me why God would have the time for something like a business deal when there are so many more important things He needs to be caring about, like starving children, and shootings, and necrotizing fasciitis.
It was a great question, and I'm sure one that a lot of us ask ourselves. How could we possibly ask such a BIG God for things that seem so little in relation to the rest of the world. I mean, how is me finding my keys when I lose them an important thing to pray about? Will God be offended if I ask him to help me fall asleep sooner...and stay asleep tonight? I left my iPod at the gym...should I pray to God that it's still there or just cross my fingers and hope for the best?
What I can tell you is this. God WANTS us to talk to him. He wants a constant dialogue between ourselves and Him all day long, every day. It doesn't matter if it's something stupid, like asking that there not be traffic on the way to the airport. Nothing is stupid in His eyes. And sure, there will be times when we pray for the BIG things. Like praying that a girl with necrotizing fasciitis who isn't supposed to live is miraculously saved. And healed. And God wants to hear those things too.
A lot of us only pray when we really want or need something. But the Bible tells us to "Pray without ceasing." 1 Thessalonians 5:17. To me, that means, pray about nothing. Pray about everything. Talk to God. And then TRUST HIM. That's the most important part of the praying. We have to trust that what we are asking God for will be answered by Him in the right time and in the right way according to what He feels is best for us. "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matt. 21:22. My favorite verse. That verse was what got me to start talking to God on a regular basis about everything. He wants us to ask him for things. He wants us to trust him. Because if we pray about it, and trust him, and he answers us....then how strong does our faith in Him grow??
I told J, we're gonna pray about this business deal because God cares about what's important to us. We have to pray about it and then trust him to answer it. And if he answers it the way you want, it's not just because He wanted to see you happy. Look at the bigger picture. He wants to teach you that if you ask Him for things in trust, and really trust, He is going to answer you. And that is gonna grow your faith in Him.
And don't forget that you have to put in your part too. Jon just couldn't pray about it and then sit there all day and do nothing. He had to faithfully work his tail off, doing everything he could to make the deal go through. And then he had God's help as well. And the prayer was answered!!!
With nec fasc, I can't just sit at home on the couch everyday and not move and wallow in my pain and just pray that I'll someday be strong enough to run and work again and that my body will be whole. I have to faithfully do my part. God and I are a team. I go to PT and the gym and work my butt off...and He gives me the strength, endurance, mental toughness, pain relief, and healing of my body. And that, people, is how prayer works.
The client he was working with were tough to work with and looking like they wanted to change companies...before J had started working with them since his promotion. They were one foot out the door and he basically had to talk them into staying.
He was worried. And when he's worried, I'm worried. Because my husband doesn't ever worry too much about anything. Very even-keeled. The exact opposite of me, who worries about everything.
I told him we needed to pray about it. He asked me why God would have the time for something like a business deal when there are so many more important things He needs to be caring about, like starving children, and shootings, and necrotizing fasciitis.
It was a great question, and I'm sure one that a lot of us ask ourselves. How could we possibly ask such a BIG God for things that seem so little in relation to the rest of the world. I mean, how is me finding my keys when I lose them an important thing to pray about? Will God be offended if I ask him to help me fall asleep sooner...and stay asleep tonight? I left my iPod at the gym...should I pray to God that it's still there or just cross my fingers and hope for the best?
What I can tell you is this. God WANTS us to talk to him. He wants a constant dialogue between ourselves and Him all day long, every day. It doesn't matter if it's something stupid, like asking that there not be traffic on the way to the airport. Nothing is stupid in His eyes. And sure, there will be times when we pray for the BIG things. Like praying that a girl with necrotizing fasciitis who isn't supposed to live is miraculously saved. And healed. And God wants to hear those things too.
A lot of us only pray when we really want or need something. But the Bible tells us to "Pray without ceasing." 1 Thessalonians 5:17. To me, that means, pray about nothing. Pray about everything. Talk to God. And then TRUST HIM. That's the most important part of the praying. We have to trust that what we are asking God for will be answered by Him in the right time and in the right way according to what He feels is best for us. "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matt. 21:22. My favorite verse. That verse was what got me to start talking to God on a regular basis about everything. He wants us to ask him for things. He wants us to trust him. Because if we pray about it, and trust him, and he answers us....then how strong does our faith in Him grow??
I told J, we're gonna pray about this business deal because God cares about what's important to us. We have to pray about it and then trust him to answer it. And if he answers it the way you want, it's not just because He wanted to see you happy. Look at the bigger picture. He wants to teach you that if you ask Him for things in trust, and really trust, He is going to answer you. And that is gonna grow your faith in Him.
And don't forget that you have to put in your part too. Jon just couldn't pray about it and then sit there all day and do nothing. He had to faithfully work his tail off, doing everything he could to make the deal go through. And then he had God's help as well. And the prayer was answered!!!
With nec fasc, I can't just sit at home on the couch everyday and not move and wallow in my pain and just pray that I'll someday be strong enough to run and work again and that my body will be whole. I have to faithfully do my part. God and I are a team. I go to PT and the gym and work my butt off...and He gives me the strength, endurance, mental toughness, pain relief, and healing of my body. And that, people, is how prayer works.
Monday, July 29, 2013
BIG. #14
The night my mom left to head back to Virginia after 3 months by my side was both scary and sad. My mom and I have always been close.... but it was like starting back over with a newborn when I came out of the coma. She was there to coax me out of my anesthesia-induced craziness. She was there to pray over me day after day, at my bedside in the hospital, and at my bedside once I was home. She was there to wash my hair in the hospital bed, paint my fingernails and toenails. Help me scrub off all the layers of skin that I lost in the hospital. (I lost several layers of skin on my hands, feet, and legs due to that part of my body being "shut off" when I was septic). She was the one who cried with me on the floor of the hospital hallway, when I first attempted PT and realized just how handicapped I really was. She was the one to help me shower when I was finally able to shower and help brush my teeth, and blow-dry my hair, and braid my hair. She was the one who held me like a baby when I was sobbing and shaking in that concentration camp-like bath. She was the one who spoon-fed me when I refused to eat for weeks and weeks in the hospital because nothing tasted good. And she was the one who brought in food from every fast food restaurant in the Chicago-land area, to see if what she brought that day would end up being the ONE THING I'd finally eat. She was the one (along with my dad) that made sure all my bills were paid while I was in the hospital and after I got home. She was the one who made sure I had short-term disability set up. She was the one who spent hours upon hours upon hours on the phone trying to get Medicaid to cover my un-insured medical bills. She was the one who took me to my doctors appointments, cheered me on in physical therapy, took me on outings to the grocery store in a wheelchair, just to get me feeling somewhat normal again.
We got so close in those 3 months, that as the day for her to finally leave approached, I started to get bad anxiety and panic attacks. I was afraid of what life was going to start looking like once she was gone. I had Jon, who was doing a great job supporting me too, but he was at work all day, and still living at his parents in Joliet, because we weren't yet married. I didn't know how to wake up and live with necrotizing fasciitis without my mom at my side.
The night she left, we held each other and sobbed for a good hour. We alternated between I love yous and thank yous and I'm so proud of yous and how am I gonna do this without yous. And prayers to God to keep me safe and healthy and brave. And hugs and sobs. It was such a precious moment. I'll never, ever forget it, as long as I live.
This 3 months with my mom will always bond us in a way that we wouldn't have had if I hadn't gotten sick. And for that, I thank God. I thank God that He gave me the most incredible, faithful, generous, caring, compassionate, Godly parents...who would drop anything for their daughter...and did.
After my mom left that night, I went inside where Jon was waiting for me. He knew I was gonna be a mess, and was there to hold me and let me cry for hours and hours. It felt like I was saying goodbye forever, even though I'd see her again in a month or so, and even though my Dad promised to fly her right back out immediately if I needed her for anything.
It was a sick and scary twist of fate that the worst part of my entire illness happened just a few days after she left. It happened slowly at first.
Jon always jokes with me about how much hair I lose....in the shower....on my brush....its everywhere. And it is so long and thick, that no matter how much I lose, you'd never notice.
The night after my mom left, I had taken a shower and washed my hair. I was sitting on the floor blowdrying my hair when I realized that a TON of it was coming out in the brush. I kept having to pull a chunk of hair out of the brush and keep blowdrying. By the end of the drying, I had a huge fistful of hair in my hands. I brought it to Jon, laughing, and said, "Oh my gosh, look at this! It's crazy how much hair I lose! haha!" I remember him telling me, "That's not normal." I laughed it off.
Over the next two days, I started noticing that my ponytail started feeling a little thinner. Not too noticeable though. I figured it was the conditioner I had used. That night when I took out my ponytail, a handful of my hair came out with it. What the heck? I thought. I started brushing my fingers through my hair and with my fingers came handfuls upon handfuls of hair. I started screaming. It was literally like a nightmare that you're just praying is a nightmare, because there is no way it could ever be real. We were 3 months away from my wedding, and my hair was coming out in huge chunks, completely out of nowhere. I had no clue it was coming, and I had no clue why. I remember just shaking and screaming. Eventually I got into the shower and started washing it....and that's when the nightmare took a turn for the worse. All of my hair was falling out. And it was so long that the hair that was falling out got tangled in the little hair that was left, resulting in one big knot. I got out of the shower and called my parents, screaming. At first, they didn't realize how bad it was, and just thought I was overreacting. My mom said, just put some detangler in it and try to comb it out gently. "You don't understand!!" I screamed. "It's all falling out. Oh my god, I'm losing all my hair!!" I sobbed like I've never cried before in my life. I was shocked and terrified. The only thing worse than losing all of your hair, is not knowing it's going to happen. No one had warned me about this. I hadn't been able to come to terms with it, like a chemo patient does. At least they know it's coming. I tried for about 4 hours to untangle the huge knot of fallen hair and hair that was still in place, but it wouldn't budge. Eventually, I took a scissors and cut off my hair to above my shoulders (about 18 inches total). I combed out the rest....which was very little. I fell asleep on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out.
When I woke up the next morning, I went through the whole tragedy all over again, as I realized it wasn't just a nightmare. More hair was falling out, and by this time, about 75% of it was gone. I ran to the beauty supply store to buy hair vitamins, rogaine, and this $100 shampoo that was supposed to help with hair loss. Over the next few days, I took tons and tons of vitamins, ate protein at every meal, and used all the products. I didn't notice a ton of hair loss, so I started to have a little hope. I refused to wash my hair, because I was afraid that it would add stress to the hair.
When I finally had to wash it, the nightmare began again. It came out in handfuls with the shampoo and I just sobbed and screamed in the shower as I watched it all go down the drain. With most of my hair now gone, I laid on the bathroom floor and cried for hours. Uncontrollable sobs. It felt like a death. Part of me was gone. Necrotizing fasciitis had taken something else away from me. Now, not only would I have scars all over my body on my wedding day, but I'd be bald. Just when I had thought that things couldn't possibly get any worse, they had. The hair loss sunk me. "Why??" I cried to Jon. "Why this...why now?? Haven't I gone through enough? I just can't handle this. I can't get over this." He held me on that bathroom floor for a long time. One thing I remember him saying, and it's something I'll never, ever forget.... "You've never looked more beautiful to me." I knew then, that I had a partner in this battle. I knew he still loved me, even though I was at the lowest of lows. Even with scars covering my body, an almost bald head, and red, swollen cry eyes, he loved me. Damn I am lucky.
If you've never had cancer and lost your hair, it's hard to understand why this was the hardest part for me. Why it seems so dramatic. all I can say is that a woman's hair is what makes her, her. It's what makes a woman feel like a woman. When I lost my hair, I felt like I had lost all my beauty, I had lost my sense of femininity. I had lost myself. If it hadn't been 3 months before my wedding, I may have handled it a little better. But this was just a blow that was too hard for me to take.
I locked myself in the house for two weeks before I decided to do something about it. I hid in my misery and didn't talk to anyone except Jon, my parents, and some angry prayers to God. This, I didn't understand. I had taken everything that had been thrown at me and handled it with bravery and full faith in Him, but this I didn't understand.
We don't always understand why God allows horrible things to happen to us or our loved ones. Sometimes it just doesn't make any damn sense. And it freakin hurts. And we scream and cry and pound our fists and lock ourselves in the bathroom for a week. And I don't have all the answers.... I'm not supposed to. We aren't going to have those answers until He allows us to, in Heaven. But I know that everything that comes our way happens for a purpose. Whether it's to test our faith, or grow our trust in God, or prepare us for a larger storm later. Maybe for me, I lost my hair so that I could learn that outer beauty isn't the most important thing in life. The most important thing in life is our love for God and for each other. My husband loved me, hair or not. My God loves me, hair or not. And knowing that I have that kind of love in my life taught me that I can get through anything.
It took a long time to come to the point where I could write about this pain and the wounds that are still quite fresh in my heart. I cried as I typed every word of this.
My hair has now (5 months later) started to grow back. I still have to wear a hair piece, but hopefully it will be back completely in a year.
I survived. I am stronger now. I am God's chosen miracle.
In the next chapter of this story, I'll recount how God set it up so that I'd end up in the exact right place with a solution for my hair loss. Because while He sometimes "taketh away", He aways "Giveth." Exactly what we need.
We got so close in those 3 months, that as the day for her to finally leave approached, I started to get bad anxiety and panic attacks. I was afraid of what life was going to start looking like once she was gone. I had Jon, who was doing a great job supporting me too, but he was at work all day, and still living at his parents in Joliet, because we weren't yet married. I didn't know how to wake up and live with necrotizing fasciitis without my mom at my side.
The night she left, we held each other and sobbed for a good hour. We alternated between I love yous and thank yous and I'm so proud of yous and how am I gonna do this without yous. And prayers to God to keep me safe and healthy and brave. And hugs and sobs. It was such a precious moment. I'll never, ever forget it, as long as I live.
This 3 months with my mom will always bond us in a way that we wouldn't have had if I hadn't gotten sick. And for that, I thank God. I thank God that He gave me the most incredible, faithful, generous, caring, compassionate, Godly parents...who would drop anything for their daughter...and did.
After my mom left that night, I went inside where Jon was waiting for me. He knew I was gonna be a mess, and was there to hold me and let me cry for hours and hours. It felt like I was saying goodbye forever, even though I'd see her again in a month or so, and even though my Dad promised to fly her right back out immediately if I needed her for anything.
It was a sick and scary twist of fate that the worst part of my entire illness happened just a few days after she left. It happened slowly at first.
Jon always jokes with me about how much hair I lose....in the shower....on my brush....its everywhere. And it is so long and thick, that no matter how much I lose, you'd never notice.
The night after my mom left, I had taken a shower and washed my hair. I was sitting on the floor blowdrying my hair when I realized that a TON of it was coming out in the brush. I kept having to pull a chunk of hair out of the brush and keep blowdrying. By the end of the drying, I had a huge fistful of hair in my hands. I brought it to Jon, laughing, and said, "Oh my gosh, look at this! It's crazy how much hair I lose! haha!" I remember him telling me, "That's not normal." I laughed it off.
Over the next two days, I started noticing that my ponytail started feeling a little thinner. Not too noticeable though. I figured it was the conditioner I had used. That night when I took out my ponytail, a handful of my hair came out with it. What the heck? I thought. I started brushing my fingers through my hair and with my fingers came handfuls upon handfuls of hair. I started screaming. It was literally like a nightmare that you're just praying is a nightmare, because there is no way it could ever be real. We were 3 months away from my wedding, and my hair was coming out in huge chunks, completely out of nowhere. I had no clue it was coming, and I had no clue why. I remember just shaking and screaming. Eventually I got into the shower and started washing it....and that's when the nightmare took a turn for the worse. All of my hair was falling out. And it was so long that the hair that was falling out got tangled in the little hair that was left, resulting in one big knot. I got out of the shower and called my parents, screaming. At first, they didn't realize how bad it was, and just thought I was overreacting. My mom said, just put some detangler in it and try to comb it out gently. "You don't understand!!" I screamed. "It's all falling out. Oh my god, I'm losing all my hair!!" I sobbed like I've never cried before in my life. I was shocked and terrified. The only thing worse than losing all of your hair, is not knowing it's going to happen. No one had warned me about this. I hadn't been able to come to terms with it, like a chemo patient does. At least they know it's coming. I tried for about 4 hours to untangle the huge knot of fallen hair and hair that was still in place, but it wouldn't budge. Eventually, I took a scissors and cut off my hair to above my shoulders (about 18 inches total). I combed out the rest....which was very little. I fell asleep on the bathroom floor, crying my eyes out.
When I woke up the next morning, I went through the whole tragedy all over again, as I realized it wasn't just a nightmare. More hair was falling out, and by this time, about 75% of it was gone. I ran to the beauty supply store to buy hair vitamins, rogaine, and this $100 shampoo that was supposed to help with hair loss. Over the next few days, I took tons and tons of vitamins, ate protein at every meal, and used all the products. I didn't notice a ton of hair loss, so I started to have a little hope. I refused to wash my hair, because I was afraid that it would add stress to the hair.
When I finally had to wash it, the nightmare began again. It came out in handfuls with the shampoo and I just sobbed and screamed in the shower as I watched it all go down the drain. With most of my hair now gone, I laid on the bathroom floor and cried for hours. Uncontrollable sobs. It felt like a death. Part of me was gone. Necrotizing fasciitis had taken something else away from me. Now, not only would I have scars all over my body on my wedding day, but I'd be bald. Just when I had thought that things couldn't possibly get any worse, they had. The hair loss sunk me. "Why??" I cried to Jon. "Why this...why now?? Haven't I gone through enough? I just can't handle this. I can't get over this." He held me on that bathroom floor for a long time. One thing I remember him saying, and it's something I'll never, ever forget.... "You've never looked more beautiful to me." I knew then, that I had a partner in this battle. I knew he still loved me, even though I was at the lowest of lows. Even with scars covering my body, an almost bald head, and red, swollen cry eyes, he loved me. Damn I am lucky.
If you've never had cancer and lost your hair, it's hard to understand why this was the hardest part for me. Why it seems so dramatic. all I can say is that a woman's hair is what makes her, her. It's what makes a woman feel like a woman. When I lost my hair, I felt like I had lost all my beauty, I had lost my sense of femininity. I had lost myself. If it hadn't been 3 months before my wedding, I may have handled it a little better. But this was just a blow that was too hard for me to take.
I locked myself in the house for two weeks before I decided to do something about it. I hid in my misery and didn't talk to anyone except Jon, my parents, and some angry prayers to God. This, I didn't understand. I had taken everything that had been thrown at me and handled it with bravery and full faith in Him, but this I didn't understand.
We don't always understand why God allows horrible things to happen to us or our loved ones. Sometimes it just doesn't make any damn sense. And it freakin hurts. And we scream and cry and pound our fists and lock ourselves in the bathroom for a week. And I don't have all the answers.... I'm not supposed to. We aren't going to have those answers until He allows us to, in Heaven. But I know that everything that comes our way happens for a purpose. Whether it's to test our faith, or grow our trust in God, or prepare us for a larger storm later. Maybe for me, I lost my hair so that I could learn that outer beauty isn't the most important thing in life. The most important thing in life is our love for God and for each other. My husband loved me, hair or not. My God loves me, hair or not. And knowing that I have that kind of love in my life taught me that I can get through anything.
It took a long time to come to the point where I could write about this pain and the wounds that are still quite fresh in my heart. I cried as I typed every word of this.
My hair has now (5 months later) started to grow back. I still have to wear a hair piece, but hopefully it will be back completely in a year.
I survived. I am stronger now. I am God's chosen miracle.
In the next chapter of this story, I'll recount how God set it up so that I'd end up in the exact right place with a solution for my hair loss. Because while He sometimes "taketh away", He aways "Giveth." Exactly what we need.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Candles! Part 2.
I'm working on my BIG #14 post and it will be up this week....promise. In the meantime, I felt compelled to write another candle post. I found a few recently that I'm beyond obsessed with and I had to share them with you guys. If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you may remember my candle post from last year. You can find that here.
I'm constantly on the hunt for new and better candles with new and better smells. While I still love all the candles I talked about on the last post, I have some new ones that are so utterly amazing, they have to be shared.
I'm not really a Yankee or Bath and Body Works candle kinda girl. While there are a few scents from Yankee and BBW that I like, I'd much rather burn a unique candle that makes my house smell AMAZING and UNIQUE.
If you know me well, you know that I'm obsessed with the store, Anthropologie. I love their clothes, jewelry, bath products, home decor, and most of all, their candles. When you walk into that store, the first thing you notice, is that is smells AMAZING. You can't really pinpoint what the smell is, but it's addictive. All I can think when I go in there is.... I have to have my house smell like this! Their most common candle sold there is their Capri Blue line. I've tried all of the scents and they are all amazing. Buy this line of candle, and your house will smell exactly like Anthro. I like the volcano (that's the one that is always burning in Anthro) and the Aloha Orchid. It is like Hawaii, but a million times better.
The Capri Blue line comes in lots of different jars and tins too, so you can find really great pieces in all of your favorite scents. A candle is a piece of art, especially if it is in a beautiful glass jar like this one:
What? you ask
I'm constantly on the hunt for new and better candles with new and better smells. While I still love all the candles I talked about on the last post, I have some new ones that are so utterly amazing, they have to be shared.
I'm not really a Yankee or Bath and Body Works candle kinda girl. While there are a few scents from Yankee and BBW that I like, I'd much rather burn a unique candle that makes my house smell AMAZING and UNIQUE.
If you know me well, you know that I'm obsessed with the store, Anthropologie. I love their clothes, jewelry, bath products, home decor, and most of all, their candles. When you walk into that store, the first thing you notice, is that is smells AMAZING. You can't really pinpoint what the smell is, but it's addictive. All I can think when I go in there is.... I have to have my house smell like this! Their most common candle sold there is their Capri Blue line. I've tried all of the scents and they are all amazing. Buy this line of candle, and your house will smell exactly like Anthro. I like the volcano (that's the one that is always burning in Anthro) and the Aloha Orchid. It is like Hawaii, but a million times better.
The Capri Blue line comes in lots of different jars and tins too, so you can find really great pieces in all of your favorite scents. A candle is a piece of art, especially if it is in a beautiful glass jar like this one:
Capri Blue in "Aloha Orchid"
I have pieces like this all over my house. And my house always smells amazing. I'm a little obsessive when it comes to smell. I cannot stand bad smells and I just think a great-smelling house is just about the most perfect thing on earth.
Another great line Anthro carries is the Voluspa line. Their Santiago Huckleberry is another signature scent in the store. So if you buy this candle, again, your house will smell like Anthro. They usually have a lot of different candles burning in Anthro at once, but the two main ones are the Volcano and the Santiago Huckleberry.
I've been burning these Capri Blue and Voluspa candles for a few years. AND THEN. THIS WEEK......I FOUND THEM.
What? you ask
THE BEST SMELLING CANDLES EVERRRRRR.
Anthro never disappoints. I had an Aloha Orchid in my hands ready to buy it, when I decided to peruse the "cooking" section of Anthro and found these candles. Not only are they gorgeous to look at, but they smell so unbelievable, I almost don't want to burn them because I don't want them to run down. I want to keep them forever!!! Anthro better never do away with them, or I'll just die. haha. Actually, I think I'll head back over there next week and stock up. Just in case.
Here is the first one:
The Fresh Gardenia & Grapefruit scent is clean, fresh, and yummy. And how awesome is this hand painted ceramic jar?? I couldn't resist this candle when I saw the sailboats (you know how I feel about sailing) and that is Santorini, Greece on the back (one of the most beautiful places in the world that I'm dying to see). And did I mention the AMAZING scent??? I can't say enough good things about this candle.
And then I picked up this beauty. Which is now my favorite candle of all time. It is the most delicious, intoxicating smell ever. I loved it when I smelled it in the store, but it smells 10x better when you burn it. The burning smell adds to its yumminess. Whipped cream & pear. SOO GOOD.
And how cute is that jar? The only thing I wish is that the candle were a little bigger. Only because I want to burn it 24/7 and I feel like I'm going to be buying hundreds of these a week. I just can't get over how good it smells. And don't get me wrong.....I'm not a "food smell" candle girl in the Spring or Summer. I don't bust out the "apple cider" and "salted caramel pumpkin pie" scents until I have officially deemed it Fall. Fall and winter I'm all about the food smells and the "fireside" candle, but come Spring, I only burn clean scents, tea scents, gardenia/orchid, clean mixed with citrus fruit scents. But this whipped cream/pear scent is burning right now, right smack in the middle of summer. (In my kitchen of course). The rest of the house is white tea, aloha orchid and gardenia grapefruit.
Now, you might wonder.... do I work for Anthropologie? Am I getting paid to write these candle reviews? Absolutely not. I wish. No, I just am in LOVE with these new candles and had to share them with you because they will change your life. (not really. but kinda.) :)
If you get them, let me know what you think! Also, are there any scents you are CRAZY about? Let me know. I'm candle obsessed....share your favorites.
Oh yes, one more thing. No, these aren't the cheapest candles on the planet. They aren't the most expensive either. One thing I've learned over the years of candle obsession is, you get what you pay for. Quality, great smelling, long lasting, lower soot (that black stuff that gets released when you burn a candle), candles are gonna be more expensive than the ones you buy in the candle section at Walmart. But those Walmart ones aren't gonna smell nearly as good, the smell won't "last" as long, and you'll have more of that black stuff on your walls and ceilings. Invest in some quality candles that are a little pricier....it will be worth it, trust me. (Now I wouldn't run out and buy those Luxe candles the Hollywood stars have that are like $100 for a small jar)...but I don't mind buying a $15-25 candle at Anthro. ps. If you're in need of a good candle but can't afford one, let me know. I'd be happy to buy a candle for a girl in need. We all deserve a yummy scent in our lives to make our house a homel
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