Saturday, June 14, 2014

13 weeks and 12 miles!!!

13 weeks today!

I celebrated by running 12 miles early this morning.... my longest run to date since recovery.  It is amazing what a continuous IV of zofran can do!!

I feel alot better with this med.  It's a pain carrying around the pump, but I detach it when I'm running or showering and then just restart it when I'm done and give myself a bolus before and after.  The first night it was placed, I ran and I had to stop twice to puke.  Detaching it made me immediately sick.  But the Dr. said that I could detach it and bolus it before and after if I wanted to run, and see how that works.  Technically I could leave it attached to me while I'm running, but honestly, it's so much easier to just take it off for that time.  Plus, they've upped the dose twice since they started it, and I think that's really helping too.

I'm still throwing up, but I only threw up ONCE yesterday.... YAY!!!

Now, let's hope we're almost past this stage so I can get the IV out.  I think it will probably be at least a few more weeks, but I'm praying it's out by the time we go to Bermuda.... we leave in 2 weeks!!

Last night, we celebrated Jon's first "father's day" by going to the Belly Factory to see the baby on ultrasound.  It's a really cute and cool place that does ultrasounds at any time.  Of course, this isn't covered by insurance, so it isn't cheap, but it's nice to be able to go and see the peanut whenever we want.  Baby was soooo cute again.  Legs were straight up in the air again.  Must've been stretching after a kicking session.  Jon got to see the baby moving alot and punching his/her arms.  Soo sweet.  Heart rate was 164.... still in the girl zone, but again, none of that stuff really matters... this little could be a boy or girl.  And we find out this week!!!!  YAY!!

Please continue to pray for a healthy, healthy, healthy, baby.  thank you!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

12+4.. and pictures!

Well here we are... 12 weeks 4 days!!

Last week, I had a BIG ultrasound.  The ultrasound in the safe (safer) zone.  My previous ultrasound was around 8 weeks, so from 8-12 weeks I had to just cross my fingers and pray that baby was ok and continuing to grow and develop.

When the ultrasound tech (and let me just mention that my doctor has the BEST ultrasound tech in the world) put the US on and I immediately saw and heard the bean, who is no longer a bean, I couldn't help but laugh and cry at the same time.  Our kiddo is SOOOO CUTE.  He or she is a real baby now!! I could see everything- the head, face, body, arms, legs.  The funniest part was when she first put the probe on, I saw a perfect profile of the baby, and baby's leg was sticking straight up in the air.  I laughed so hard because that is exactly the position I was in when I was in the coma in the hospital.  Everytime my family or the doctor came into my room, I was laying there with my leg just straight up and out in the air.  No one knew why, but I was always doing it.  It probably felt more comfortable to me somehow, or alleviated the pain in my leg or back.  Not sure, but when I saw my baby laying there with one leg up and out in the air, it was just beyond hilarious and prophetic and beautiful.  You wanna see a picture of my peanut??  Look closely and you'll see his/her little leg up in the air like mama.

How cute is that little foot??

About a minute after I watched my baby lay there with his/her leg in the air with the tech explaining what everything was, all of a sudden, the baby started moving.  He/she started kicking his/her legs really fast and stretching his/her arms.  Looked like my little is gonna be a runner like mama.  Those little legs kicking so fast looked like my baby couldn't wait to get out and start running.  Which is good, because he/she is gonna spend alot of time with mama in the jogging stroller running around Naperville  when he or she is born.  

Speaking of running, I'm still keeping up with it and running anywhere from 6-10 miles a day, usually about 6 days a week.  My speed hasn't suffered either....yet.  Around a 7:00 min split.  I've started using the belly band when I'm running because it feels more secure and I feel like I'm not bouncing the baby around.  And thank you all for your sweet concerns, but no worries, my doctor has okay'ed my running and is keeping very close track of my activity, diet, & baby.  I am in that office constantly, which is kinda nice, because I love my doctor, Dr. Yockey, and her midwives Nicole and Donna.  

And as for the vomiting.  Now it's officially been diagnosed as hyperemesis and I am on a continuous zofran IV pump.  There's a little tube that goes directly into my stomach to administer the med and I just got it put in this morning, so it's too early to tell if it will help.  With the oral zofran pills, I was throwing up around 6-10 times a day.  And if I went a day without the zofran, I would literally throw up every hour, sometimes more.  For example, I ran out on Saturday and didn't take it for half of Saturday and part of Sunday, and by Sunday morning, I was throwing up every 15 minutes, intense intense dry heaving....I couldn't breathe.  It was horrible.  At my appointment last week, they realized I've lost 7 lbs and that was it... decision was made to start the IV infusion.  At least it's at home and I don't have to go into the hospital, although if I lose anymore weight or this pump doesn't cut it, I'm gonna find myself back in the hospital with the freaking tube feedings again.  Please take a second and pray for me that it doesn't get to that level.  

Despite the weight loss, my little one has been growing steadily and I have a little bump to prove it.  I'm so proud of that little peanut in there, just growing and moving and developing, even though his/her mama has been so sick.  He/she is still measuring about 2 weeks small, but the growth is consistent and steady.  Here's some (rare) pictures of my belly bump.  I am sooo not the type to take preggo pictures, so don't expect to see a preg photoshoot from this girl.  No offense to those who do, but it's just never been something I've wanted to do.  I do want to keep track of my bump growth, so I'll take an occasional pic of the bump and share if I feel ok to do it.  Here you go.. please don't judge my messy bathroom and scrub pants/hoodie outfit.  I've already puked 4 times this morning and I'm not dressing up just to throw up all over myself.

Please also excuse my abdominal scars.  

So, there you have it.  Please continue to pray for a healthy baby, a healthy pregnancy, and a stop in the  vomiting.  I HATE HYPEREMESIS.  Oh yes, one more exciting thing.... we will be finding out the sex of the baby NEXT WEEK!  I know it's early, but the first trimester blood test for genetic screening now tells you the sex of the baby around 2 weeks after the blood test.  They took my labs last week, so by next week, we'll know if this is a miss or mr.  Any guesses?

Let's talk about Hyperemesis.

Let's talk about hyperemesis.

Oh my gosh, do I have a whole new respect for my patients who have to go through this pregnancy madness.  I honestly thought everyone threw up when pregnant.  Not a big deal, right?  I knew it was a little abnormal when I was at my 6 or 7 week appointment, throwing up all day, and asked my doctor for some zofran.  She was happy to give it to me when she found out I was throwing up.  She proceeded to tell me that they usually don't prescribe it for that constant yucky nausea pregnant feeling, but once the patient is throwing up multiple times a day, they need the zofran.  While that nausea feeling does suck... (Donna, who is the midwife in the office and also one of my friends from work, calls it a sour stomach feeling).... that nausea is nothing.  Throwing up every hour, all day all night, gagging and banging your head on the toilet, crying, not being able to move your head or you'll throw up, spending an entire 3 hour flight in an airplane bathroom puking, spending your whole life trying to figure out what to try and eat because EVERYTHING makes you throw up.... that is hyperemesis.  So far I've had to get IV fluids at the hospital a few times, when I can't keep anything down for 12 hours, including water.  Some women get to the point where they lose so much weight they have to be hospitalized for weeks at a time with a feeding tube.  We are not at that point, thank God.  Hopefully this madness will end soon, because right now, it's consuming my life and making this pregnancy NOT FUN.

For those of you with hyperemesis, wives with HE, or friends with HE.... Here are some things I've had a little success with.  Tips, if you will.  They don't help that much.  But hey, maybe it will give you an extra hour without puking.  Which is all I ask for some days.

1.  Always try to keep something in your stomach.  Even if it's literally one saltine.  A completely empty stomach makes it worse.  Sometimes it's a cycle of me eating something, then immediately puking, then eating something, then immediately puking.  But even a bite or two of something is better than nothing.

2. Zofran (some people refuse to take any meds at all while pregnant.  Trust me, if you're puking 24 times in a 24 hour period, you're gonna be taking the zofran.  I ran out one Saturday a few weeks ago, and in the day I didn't have it, I threw up 20 times.  If I take it regularly, I usually throw up 6-10 times a day).  Take the zofran.

3. Preggo pops.  I don't think they really work, but I think it's a mental thing.  I just suck on them pretending they're working and try not to think about throwing up.

4. Running.  It sounds weird, but I haven't had to stop once during a run while pregnant to throw up.  It calms my stomach and helps me breathe regular and it somehow helps.  Which is great, because I would hate not being able to run everyday.  I'm sure I'll reach a point during the pregnancy when I won't be able to run anymore, but right now, my doctor is okay with it, and my body likes it.  My kid is already used to our daily run, and I plan to continue that as long as I possibly can, and as soon as I can after delivery.  I will dedicate a whole post to pregnancy running sometime in the next few weeks.

5. Fresh air.  This really seems to help.  Sometimes if I'm feeling really horrible, I'll just walk outside.  Even just taking Mady out-- the outside air immediately relieves the nausea.  It comes back, but it's crazy how just going from inside to outside, I have an immediate feeling of relief.  I've been keeping the  windows open, but it still doesn't compare to actually walking outside and standing there in the fresh air.  Mady and I have been taking long walks everyday, which is great for her, and the outside air is great for me.

6.  Sleep.  Obviously, if I'm sleeping, I'm not feeling nauseous.  It sucks waking up though, because I always feel the worst when I first wake up.  Whether it's from a nap, in the morning, whatever... waking up from sleep is the worst time for nausea and vomiting for me.  But when I'm actually asleep, it's good.  Speaking of sleep, I could sleep for 24 hours a day right now and still be tired.  I've never felt  fatigue like this... it's crazy!

7.  No plain water.  Dr said it makes most hyperemesis patients puke more.  Gatorade or juice is better. Weird.

8. Finally-- Zofran IV pump.  Attached to your stomach and continuously administering the miracle drug for puking.  I just added this one- weeks later- because I now have my pump. I'm still puking but only 3 times today!

Come on, second trimester.  Please be better.  My baby hates food as of now.

Important Questions.

Mommy Questions:

I have a million questions for my mama friends out there, and I'm gonna start writing them down now so I don't forget later.  I'm 11 weeks today.  Hopefully in another few weeks we'll be able to make the big announcement.  It's crazy to think everyone is just living their lives, and no one (well besides our family and my best friends) have a clue that I'm almost 3 months pregnant with a miracle babe.

Anyways... gonna start jotting some of these questions down now so I'll remember to ask y'all when it's  okay to.

1. Serious runner moms-- what is the best running stroller out there?  Is it better to have a separate running stroller and carseat/stroller combo for everyday?  My SIL uses her running stroller on a daily basis, but it seems a little less stable than I'd like for marathons and trail runs.  I'm a mom that's gonna be running long distances 6-7 days a week, so the investment is worth it...but what exactly do I need?

2. How many carseats do we need?  Should we get one carseat/stoller and one additional carseat?  Or is that unnecessary.  Is it really annoying moving the bases or not a big deal?  What do you guys have?

3.  I need a pack and play, right?  What is that exactly?

4.  And what else-- a baby swing?  play pen?  (or is that the same thing as a pack and play?)

5.  Crib and a separate bassinet, right?  Worth it to get the crib that turns into the big kid bed or not?

6. If i'm going to strictly breastfeed, do I still need bottles?  If so, how many?  Just a few?  (I'll pump too  eventually, but not for awhile.)  Dr. Browns are best, right?  And you can do pumped milk in the dr. browns or do you get bottles with your pump?

7.  For pumped milk, what do I need?  Freezer bags?

8. What are the baby products, furniture, etc. that you couldn't live without?

9.  What baby products do you not really need and would exchange for something else?

10. Besides cute outfits for certain events, what does a baby born in December typically wear on a daily basis? I know from being an aunt that Caleb does not wear jeans and cute little polos everyday.  What kind of clothes should I buy a bunch of?

Almost 11 weeks y'all!

10 weeks 5 days today.  Moving right along, and almost done with my first trimester.

 Hyperemesis is worse than ever, even though my zofran dose was doubled before last weekend.

The wedding in Dallas was a blast- besides my constant puking.  I threw up the whole plane ride there, the whole day of the rehearsal, in the bathroom of the mexican restaurant at the rehearsal dinner, the rest of that night in the hotel room.  The next day, Saturday (the day of the wedding), I did okay throughout the day while we were getting hair and makeup done, and then THANK GOD, I made it through the ceremony okay.

Tragedy struck after bridal party announcements at the reception.  Instead of walking over to where the rest of the bridal party was standing to greet the bride and groom, I got introduced, then ran out the door into the bathroom where I proceeded to throw up for the first 20 minutes of dinner.  Eek.

After dinner, I was able to dance and make it through the rest of the reception okay, and actually had an awesome time dancing with my family and cousins and uncles and Jon... that is, until the last hour.  The last hour of the reception was again spent hugging the toilet, and as soon as the reception was over, Jon and I raced back to our hotel room for more, you guessed it, puking!

Despite the constant trips to throw up, we had a great time with my family, went to some amazing restaurants, and had a blast at Christina's wedding.  It was such a cool, unique venue and so much fun.

Cravings this week:  lemonade, grapefruit, and peanut butter toast.  Lemonade makes me violently ill every single time I drink it, but I want it anyway.  I also had my first ice cream craving this week, and then promptly puked it up.

Things that make me sick:  everything, especially the smell of the shower (I know, weird) and most food.  I'm sickest usually in the middle of the night and then in the morning, and then it slows down a little but continues all day.

Running:  I'm still running daily, and still haven't had to slow that down at all.  Running still seems to keep my stomach calm, so I'm gonna keep doing it as long as I can.  Yesterday I took a 2 hour walk, and it felt great.  I think the outside air calms my stomach too.  I started wearing a belly band just for extra support.

Other symptoms:  still exhausted.  Could sleep all day if I let myself.  And very grouchy at times.  haha usually I don't have a mean bone in my body, and no backbone whatsoever.  Not lately.  If someone is rude to me, they get an earful.  It reminds me of my friend Vanessa.  I remember her telling me that when she was pregnant, she had no filter.  She went off on a doctor one night and it was absolutely hilarious.  That is me lately.  Don't mess with the preggo lady.

We told the rest of my dad's side of the family right before the wedding, so everyone knew before the weekend.  Everyone was excited and shocked and thrilled.  It is so great having my sister-in-law Anne who just had my nephew, so she knows everything and is teaching me so much.  She didn't get sick like I do, but she gets the other symptoms and things to expect.  We are so excited to raise our first kids together- Caleb and our baby will only be 9 months apart!  I am 10 months older than my cousin, and we are the best of friends, so I look forward to my kids being close with their cousins too.  The Bahr family is super, super close, and we intend on raising our kiddos together like our parents raised us with our cousins.  I look forward to lots of time spent raising our water babies at my parent's house they are building on Benthaven Island in Lake Conroe.  Their house is basically going to be like a resort when they're done with it, and it will be boating heaven.  Cannot wait to raise our kids on the water and with my family.


9 weeks 2 days today.

I have to say, this better be the worst part of the pregnancy or I'm not going to survive this thing.  I've been diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum, which basically means I puke my guts out all day and all night long, 24/7.  This is not typical morning sickness, people.  Constant nausea and vomiting 6-15 times a day.  It is horrible... I literally am counting the days until the end of the 1st trimester when hopefully things will get better.  I'm on a medication for nausea called Zofran.  I thought it didn't really work, until the day I ran out and puked 30 times while I was trying to get ahold of the office to refill it.  The problem with this med is that is extremely expensive... there are no alternatives and it was originally created as a chemo med to help cancer patients with the nausea and vomiting.  Although I can take it 3 times a day, insurance only covers a very small amount of the med per month and out of pocket it is about $66 for 10 pills.  Insane, right?  But desperate times call for desperate measures.  It's either this or I'm in the hospital on IV fluids and IV nausea meds.

Other than that, I'm doing great.  Very minimal pain on my scars, which is just a freaking blessing from God.  I was initially afraid that my growing belly would put pressure on the scars and cause crazy pain. So far, so good.  I've been overloading on the belly butter and all that, so hopefully God will miraculously stretch my stomach as it needs to for this baby without killing the mama in pain.  We're going to be doing a c-section... labor contractions on all my scarring would not be a good thing and it's just too risky.  It kinda sucks because a c-section recovery is alot worse than a regular recovery, but geez I'm probably better at dealing with surgical pain than any labor pain I'd experience.  This will be surgery #10 in 2 years.  Whoa.  I'm a freaking pro, right?!

J and I are so excited about this baby now... which each week that passes and I do well, we allow ourselves to feel a little more real about it.  We were so skeptical in the beginning, but we're starting to realize we actually (prayerfully) have our first little coming in December.  Working on names.  :)

Our families are beyond excited and supportive and we're hoping to be able to tell our extended family and friends in a few weeks.  Please keep praying for our miracle bean!

BIG #27- The BIGGEST miracle of all

I'm 14.5 weeks today (almost 4 months) but I wrote this a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant....  my initial reaction to finding out the biggest surprise of my life.


God just gave us the BIGGEST surprise miracle of all.

Baby Nilles will be arriving in December!

I am still in shock.  I'm writing this post long before we're going to be telling people about this pregnancy, but I wanted to make sure I journaled how I'm feeling at this exact moment.  It's still a major secret right now, but here's the list of people who know our secret:

my Mom & Dad
My brother Matt & sisters Jessica and Anne
My best friends Liz, Erum & Nicole
My work girls Tenele, Vanessa, & Kim.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Everyone else is completely unaware, and it's kinda fun to have this little secret that only jon and me, my immediate family, and my closest girls know.  We're going to tell Jon's parents this weekend- mother's day.  I got a little frame that says "Grandma's little cutie" and I'm going to put a pic of one of our ultrasounds in it and give it to my mother-in-law for mom's day.  They are going to be beyond shocked.

Other than that, we have another month or so before we tell the rest of our families and friends.

Right now I'm feeling:

Shocked, scared, excited, terrified, thrilled.  And most of all, nauseous and puking and exhausted.

I had an appointment with my OB doctor today and they found the heartbeat... 116 bpm.  I'm officially due on December 20th, and I'm 7 weeks and 4 days right now.  The baby is measuring a size of 5 weeks 6 days, so he or she is a little peanut, but everything looked great on ultrasound, tiny little bean was there, heart beating away.  I have to up my nutrition a bit to grow this bean, but it's looking like we may have a bitty baby.

You don't even understand what a shocking miracle this baby is.  I didn't write this in my earlier blogs, because it was such a scary and private thing for me... but after I got sick, had all the surgeries, and started to get better, my nec fasc doctors sat me down and gave me some sad and scary news.  They told me that due to how deep the infection had gone into the abdomen and how much tissue had been removed, it would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant.  The areas affected were so close to where those reproductive organs are that it would be physiologically impossible for it to happen.

Besides the infection and surgeries, my hormones were hugely affected by the sepsis, shock, and organ failure, and they've never normalized since.  Well, apparently, they normalized enough for me to get pregnant.  Somehow, despite the odds being against us is EVERY WAY POSSIBLE, God did His own thing and created this miracle for me.

We were told we couldn't get pregnant, we weren't at all trying to get pregnant, yet here I am, 7.5 weeks pregnant with a tiny miracle bean.

Dr. Yockey calls this baby Miracle Bean.  And every time I leave the office, the nurses yell after me, Grow Bean Grow!  I have a wonderfully amazing OB team that are extra careful with me and this baby, and are watching EVERYTHING, and everyone is behind us.  I work with my doctor in L&D at Alexian Brothers, so she was there when I got sick, there when I had those first 3 surgeries, and even snuck into the OR at one point to see how I was doing.  When I went for my first appointment after getting a positive test at home, everyone in the office knew who I was, "that L&D nurse who had nec fasc and almost died" and everyone was so shocked and thrilled to witness this miracle.  We've already done 5 ultrasounds since I found out I was pregnant, which is alot, but it makes me feel a little less scared knowing that my doctor is watching everything and we're taking things day by day.

How did I find out I was pregnant?  I almost didn't.

Every few months since we've been married, I've taken a test just to be sure, since like I said, my hormones are out of whack.  Not to get into too much detail, but basically what I'm saying is that if I didn't take a test, I wouldn't know either way, monthly, like other women do.  So anyways, I decided to take my random test one night a few weeks ago, and after seeing it looked negative after a minute, I threw it away.  I don't know what made me look at it a second time a few minutes later, but I dug it out and checked it again.  Honestly, I have no idea why.  I saw a tiny, faint second line.  I didn't believe it, but was freaked out.  You could barely see the second line so I thought it was nothing.  I called my best friend and she told me to take another test in the morning.  So I did.  On Easter.  And it was positive.

The next day, I took two more tests, one of them being digital, and when it said in clear words, "pregnant."  I completely freaked.  I called the dr immediately and said, "Um I've never had this happen before so I don't know what I'm doing, but I think i'm pregnant.  And I have a pretty extensive health history, so I think I should probably see the dr right away."  She scheduled me for an appointment and ultrasound the next day.

Then I told Jon.  Who didn't believe me.  Even after I showed him the four tests, he didn't believe me.  He didn't believe me when the blood test the next day was positive either.  I don't think it hit him until I brought home a picture of the tiny bean on ultrasound.  Then I gave him a little onesie that says 'Daddy's Little Caddy' and told him he's gonna have a  golf buddy in December.  He was shocked, but thrilled.  We just cannot believe it.

I wanted to tell my parents, and Matt, Anne, Jess, and Mike in a cute way, but I couldn't wait.  I won't see my parents for another 3 weeks, and I just couldn't wait that long.  My parents screamed over the phone, we all cried, and I think my dad is still in shock.  He and Jon are in "Worried Daddy" mode right now.... My dad is worried about his baby, and Jon is worried about his baby.  They both think I need to be seen at least weekly at the dr, which I tried to explain to them is overkill, but you know how they both were when I was sick, well, now they still have those worries, plus the Bean to worry about.

There are worries, as there are with any pregnancy.  Even the most normal, healthy pregnancies can have issues and things go wrong.  All we can do is take one day at a time, and pray pray pray.

I truly believe God gave us this baby because it is right in His timing.  We just have to trust and pray, just like every other pregnant woman does.  Please pray for a wall of protection around me and our baby as we go through these next 7 months.  Pray for a healthy baby.  That's all we care about.

Not sure if we're going to find out the gender yet... right now I think we're keeping it a surprise.  But we'll see...that may change :)  We honestly don't care either way-- all we want is a healthy little peanut. I'm due on December 20, and they'll likely do my c-section a week if not two weeks early, so sometime in December, Mady will be a big sister.  I told her already, and so far, she seems okay with it.  It should be interesting, bringing the little one home to a very spoiled and attached-to-her-mommy beagle.  Mady may be introduced to a cage for awhile.  Crossing our fingers.

Well, I've only had to stop once during this post to throw up.  So I've only gotten sick once in the last hour...progress!  Needless to say, all I have done is constantly throw up for the last week.  The doctor gave me some nausea medicine, so hopefully that will start to help, otherwise, I'm gonna be carrying around that damn feeding tube again.  (kidding!)

Please pray for our bean.  Pray that God places a wall of protection around our baby and his/her mama. We're scared and all we want is a healthy baby and mama.  Can't wait to post this in another few months.